Children can face lots of challenges when it comes to recognising and controlling their emotions. Some find it easy to understand how they’re feeling and by observing how others around them react to that feeling, they learn how to manage their own emotions in a healthy way. But this is not the case with all children. Some children find it difficult to understand and manage their emotions and that’s okay. We can help them understand what they are feeling, how that feeling is felt in their body and why they feel this way. We can then teach them strategies that they can use to help them deal with and manage those feelings in a healthy manner.
A very common emotion that a lot of children sometimes find difficult to control is anger. Up until the age of four it is normal for a child to have up to nine tantrums per week. They will probably be accompanied by crying, screaming, stomping and hitting episodes. But as they grow older, these episodes decrease and the child learns to manage their anger better. But what if they don’t? How do we help them? That’s what we are going to figure out.
Why is your child angry?
There are endless reasons why your child might be feeling this angry. Seeing adults around them act out in anger, bullying in school or friendship problems, grief…etc. But a very common reason is frustration. When a child feels like they can’t control something, be it an action or a feeling, or they can’t get something they want, they might direct this feeling of frustration into anger.
When does their anger become an issue?
As we mentioned before, as toddlers, anger and temper tantrums are normal and common. But as the child grows older, if their anger does not subside and it starts to affect their relationships with their family, their friends, and others, and impact their general approach to life, then it becomes a problem that must be dealt with carefully. Not being able to build relationships or deal with common issues in life without bursting in anger will only increase their frustration which will in turn result in more anger and then it’s a vicious cycle that the child will not be able to get out of on their own.
How to help your child manage their anger?
- Be calm and manage your own emotions in front of your child’s angry outburst. Lots of parents’ response to their child’s screaming in anger is to do the same but this will never help your child calm down or help them manage their emotions. As a parent you need to try and remain calm and collected when faced with your child’s anger. This of course isn’t always easy but if you can, it will help them see that just being angry will not solve their problems.
- Talk them through why they feel angry. You can do this by acknowledging the feeling and empathising as to why they feel that way. Anger is usually a result of something that has happened. Your child is never angry for no reason. Try to get to the bottom of that feeling. Ask them if they know why they feel that way, if there is something you can do to help them or if they just want to talk calmly and vent their feelings. Sometimes all your child wants is just to be listened to. Sometimes they might need some quiet time in a safe place and you can talk about it later.
- Be a role model. When you feel angry, let your child see how you manage your own feelings. Tell them that you don’t feel good right now and that you need to calm down first before you can talk to them. Let them know that taking a few minutes to calm down is good and that their feelings are valid but they need to manage them. Don’t let your anger control your actions. Let your child see that you can separate your feelings of anger from how you talk to them or deal with things around you.
- Encourage your child to do physical and mental activities. Running, cycling, swimming, painting, dancing…etc. Activities can help your child channel their emotions and reduce feelings of anxiety and stress, thus helping them deal with their emotions before they turn into anger. Other calming activities like breathing can also help.
- Read stories and make up “Social Stories TM” with your child. Stories are a well used way to help children learn new skills. Hearing about others in similar situations, how they react and what the consequences to that reaction are can help your child self reflect on their own behaviour.
- If you are finding it difficult to help your child with their anger, consider getting professional help. Aggressive behaviour and anger can sometimes have underlying reasons such as an Anxiety Disorder, ADHD or Autism Spectrum Disorder. A professional may be able to recommend other ways that might be more helpful to your child’s specific needs. Talk to your GP or teachers about your concerns and let them direct you to professionals that are equipped with the knowledge to help you and your child.
In conclusion, anger like all other emotions is a valid feeling for children and adults alike. It is always ok to feel angry but how that anger is managed is not always ok. Helping your child to understand the reasons and triggers and what they can do to manage this big feeling safely will help them with important life skills.
Sources: Anger, Irritability and Aggression in Kids > Fact Sheets. (Yale Medicine) Helping your child with anger issues (NHS)
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